It tracks.

Past Seen Revising in Nowhere (Video)

 (Nowhere) A strange wave of time disturbance swept Nowhere today. Things that were considered by many to have been done suddenly and spontaneously undid themselves, or were undone by the doers. It’s difficult to say, because before the things were undone circumstances seemed stable which are now highly subjective. 

“I had just eaten way too much brisket. Five slices to be exact,” remarked one resident. “I guess I’m lucky because I’m pretty sure I was about to have serious indigestion. Now I’m going to have one slice and go for a jog.” 

The backwarding of time has also been a boon for some who were seen to have committed other faux pas, like wearing the wrong mixed print combinations. So far the time reversal eruptions have sporadically effected only brief periods amounting cumulatively to around an hour. What is to come of this is so far unknown, but it is thought to be another annoyance eradication experiment by a certain resident witch. 

Video was captured of one time reversal outside of Roger’s Roadhouse: 

“In my opinion, the Wicked Witch of this area is working to apply this time reversal technology to specific people and events, rather than the entire town at once, enabling the selective de-existence of anything deemed drab or monotonous.” With this pronouncement, Professor Prattle seemed to become flustered. “I suppose I should stay indoors for a while, and maybe do some online shopping for floral prints,” he remarked before hurrying away. 

Residents of Nowhere, meanwhile, are encouraged to make creative use of the time reversals for whatever redoing opportunities they might permit. 

UPDATE: After this story was written and unwritten earlier today, certain things that had previously not been observed in this anomalous time glitch were observed. It remains undetermined how this development is related to the previous understanding of the unstable time situation, but it is now being stated by some witnesses that the temporal events have not been ubiquitous or uniformly distributed across the region. 

“It is well known that events like these can be subject to observer effects and may not occur at all if nobody is in the place where they don’t happen because they can’t unless someone is there. It also seems that different people who experience the time warp effects experience a different revision than the people around them. This is leading to quite a lot of disagreement,” Explained a now brightly garbed Professor Percival Prattle. “I personally was returned to last week, although the folks I was lecturing on relativity over by the hitching post insist I was droning on without interruption for the entire time. I suspect that inattentiveness may have played a part. But the fact remains that I had the opportunity to go back far enough to correct my obvious sartorial missteps. I actually acquired a metallic pink leather floor-length motorcycle jacket which I plan to wear for my next complimentary lecture at the town square. I’m sure everyone is going to want to hear about the paper I’m currently working on…” 

Prattle may or may not have continued this commentary, but from the point of view of this observer he blinked out of existence for a second, and reappeared just as he was beginning his remarks, so the interview was terminated. 

“Well, I can tell you this,” stated Nowhere mayor Jimmy Ray, “I was watching my brother perform a cactus jump when he just vanished and then reappeared wearing nothing but his boots. He insists that he was gone for an entire year and nobody was in town for that year, so he’d stopped dressing in order to save time. I don’t know what he was saving it for, since he’d already been through it. Or had he? This whole thing is mighty confusing.” 

Physicists are being consulted by the town council, but so far all they can offer is a bunch of pointless conjectures they’re calling “thought experiments.” 

Quantum Acceleration Accident (Or Test) Reported

(Nowhere, West Texas) Today on the far West side of Nowhere, a pocket of high strangeness hit when a quantum accelerator was switched on by unknown means in the center of “barbecue row”. The device was developed by the Wicked Witch of Nowhere to enhance the reality creation by way of thought. As soon as the contraption clicked on all sorts of chaos ensued. Monsters appeared everywhere and began attacking people, many of whom were suddenly naked. Buildings started to implode and explode. Chupacabras, Sasquatches, Killer Bees, Giant Spiders and many other nightmare creatures were seen. UFOs appeared and blasted some stuff to smithereens and it looked as if Nowhere was going to be completely destroyed. Luckily, or unfortunately, a horrid cackle rang out in the sky where the Witch was seen to be observing the chaos aloft her broom. As quickly as it began, the crapscape vanished. Sky writing was immediately observed announcing to the populace, “Clean Your Brains, Stupids.” 

A theory has been floated as to why this occurred from a source so ubiquitous we need no longer name the pince-nezed blatherer. “It’s quite clear that the residents of the region are being instructed by immersion in a horrid quantum experiment and lesson. The Witch has taken over many a facility in order to create an evil eradication program, but the nature of these things will surely cause an extreme quickening of thought-to-matter reality creation, so if folks are going around with their minds all clogged up with monsters and suchlike, it could get ugly.”

Meanwhile the Nowhere Multiplex Mega Movie Theater announced a 24 hour a day free 3-D horror extravaganza. The “Nightmares on Tap Terror Days Festival” is set to extend for as long as people will attend, according to the organizers. As an inducement the theater is offering complimentary refreshments featuring a new product line which includes Coma Cola, Pepper-adelic Pizza, Lethargy Licorice and many other delights which the strangely drab looking theater owners claim will enhance the experience. 

Fanny Packs Declared “The New Black”

Above Video Features Some Fashion Coalitionists Adopting the Latest Trend

In local fashion news, sky writing as of this morning declared, “fanny packs back in,” meaning that a new fashion craze is afoot in the Nowhere region. What this portends is anyone’s guess, but it’s well understood that the Wicked Witch of Nowhere has created, in cahoots with Prada, Marfa, an incredibly useful and stylish bag tech in which a handbag, or perhaps a fanny pack is equipped with a dimensional portal such that the bag can contain anything in the known universe, including the imaginary regions. The yokelry has long hoped that this wildly fashionable innovation would be made publicly available. Many of the more suggestible inhabitants hereabouts have already donned this newly declared fashions statement. 

There’s a good chance this is yet another vampire removal scheme. Only time and time-travel will tell. There is history of this sort of accessory declaration setting off a dance craze that has, in some cases, lasted for days. 

Quantum Evil-Eradication Technology to be Tested By The Wicked Witch

 

Image Captured by Jim Roger, Thought to be the Final Image of One of the Beigeists

(Nowhere, West Texas) After recent events in which the Nowhere, West Texas, area was beset by some wacked out evilists with ridiculously gauche outfits, the Wicked Witch of West Texas has delivered a message, via automatic writing to this paper. Another test is underway in which the Wicked Witch of Nowhere is harnessing the technology of a certain drably appointed cabal and subverting it with an “opposite hex”. 

The dull pair of morons, Kraut Shnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini, were just last week un-existed by way of a brilliant hex, the “See-No-Evil/Hear-No-Evil” hex, which caused the beigeist freaks to un-exist because of their no longer being perceptible. This inspired the local wickidity expert to consider a much magnified version of the hex, for which she arrived at a plan to subvert the function of a certain very large contraption near Geneva by way of an “opposite hex,” in order to boost the “See-No-Evil/Hear-No-Evil” hex to a global scale. Consulting Professor Prattle was, as usual, unavoidable. 

“You see, quantum physics tells us that every single thing in the world arises from perception. Therefore by way of the “See-No-Evil/Hear-No-Evil” hex, those who are composed entirely of evil become imperceptible and thus cease to exist, or, rather, exist in a different way. Rather than remaining matter, they simply become pure energy. Or perhaps they exist in another dimension apart from this one, given that they may still perceive one another. That part isn’t entirely clear. In fact none of it is entirely clear, but the point is the whole Beige Cabal is very likely about to follow Schnitzel and Hamwini, where every they might now be. Suffice it to say that nobody much cares what happens to the beigeists and if they do, the’d better keep it to themselves, since criticizing the plans of the Wicked Witch of Nowhere is known to be a bad idea.”

Prattle is most likely referring in his final comment to his time as a small reptile after his comments angered the Witch. He was temporarily transformed into a blue-lipped fence gecko, and probably would have remained so had said Witch not decided he could still be useful. Oddly, this has not dissuaded Prattle from continuing to comment on every single thing that happens here abouts. 

The disappearance of the dingy duo intrigued some folks enough that they tried weird photographic techniques attempting to capture images of the mostly gone creeps. A few images were captured that some speculated to be Schnitzel and Hamwini, but that is just speculation. 

Trickster Adoption Event Announced

A Were-Jackalope Chanting Rhyme, When This Occurs it’s RUNNING Time

(Nowhere, West Texas) The West Texas Trickster Humane Society announced today that they shall be sponsoring a “Trickster Adoption Day” next Friday, the 13th. The event, appropriately, will be held at the Jackalope Bar and Grill. All residents of Nowhere are encouraged by Witch decree to attend the event, as the resident Wickidity practitioner is extremely fond of tricksters of all species. Nowhere residents will be expected to arrive in fancy dress and select a trickster from among the many that will be on offer. Missing the event will be considered a declaration of animosity by the Wicked Witch of West Texas, although attendance isn’t required.  

“I sure wish we didn’t have to go to this shindig. Last year my cousin Jimmy-Ray was offered a Jackalope to adopt and of course, it was an offer he couldn’t refuse, but he no sooner got it home than he called me scared silly saying it had started in a’rhyming. Everybody knows what that means. It’s about to go into ‘were’ mode and there’s nothing worse than a were-Jackalope. I told him to put the critter outside and let it run off, but he was too scared of getting a spa vacation to do that. I can’t say I blame him much. We’ve all heard about the Witch’s spa vacations. Anyhow, nobody’s seen hide nor hair of him since that day. Just don’t tell anyone I told you this story, though.” This source can’t be named for his own safety. 

As usual, Professor Percival Prattle, who is keenly aware of the identities of journalist in the region, was adamant that his statement on the situation be taken. “The timing of this announcement is interesting. In many ways it calls to mind recent Nowhere events, starting with the Killer Vampire Clown incursion, which eventually led to the Beige/Solid Cabal which led straight into the current problems with both “beigists” and “Plaiditarians,” all of which form a larger conspiracy, which is what the Witch is actually combatting in this fourth dimensional chess move. One need only cast back to when there was a major evil clown incursion in these parts and it turned out that the evil clowns were vampires. Well, as we now know vampires are beauty-blind. They are essentially aesthetically retarded. When they attempted to infiltrate this region which is well known for its fierce fashion sensibilities, the first tried to mimic local fashion savants and ended up dressed like crazed clowns. We all remember how that ended. They were bloody obvious and they got smoked, literally.” 

Long time yokels from hereabouts likely remember the evil clown incursion and the horrible fashion faux pas that made them blatantly obvious to the most casual observers, but in case it’s not clear this is what happened:

via GIPHY

Actual Fashionists

Kraut Schnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini try to Sell a Kid on the Joy of Drab Dress

“It’s not difficult to understand how the vampires were spotted. They so deeply misunderstood fashion and the Witch and the residents of these parts are very aesthetically sensitive. So, the vampires tried another tack. They reasoned that if their aesthetic blindness caused them to be unable to mimic the truly fashionable, they would try a beige and neutral psy-op by convincing people that the only fashion statement they could manage, a basic beige uniform, was the height of good taste. Given the deep tolerance for weird looks in these parts, people were initially willing to accept their dull affectations. Everyone understood it was just unimaginative, but many saw these dullists as a good foil for their dramatic self presentations. This tolerance is what made Kraut Schnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini think they could foist their absurd vampire agenda here. Rumor now has it that the Wicked Witch of Nowhere has a new plan, inspired by the ingenious de-existancing of Schitzel and Hamwini.” 

As usual, the insufferable Prattle brought up some interesting points. An announcement via skywriting today declared that non-attendance to the event was going to be taken badly and that there would be door prizes for the most “tasteful” attire. One might not be overly imaginative to think of this event as having an ulterior motive. 

Confuscatory Linguistic Experiment Announced

 (Nowhere, West Texas) The Black Mansion Laboratories, home of West Texas Wickidity Studies, a front organization for The Wicked Witch of Nowhere, formerly of West Texas, has announced a new reality warping linguistic experiment featuring new and improved methods of enhanced confuscatory communicative strategies. Locals have been scratching their heads over just what this might mean, not to mention what it might mean for folks in these parts who tend to be plenty confused without strategies added to the mix. 

Scintillating rumors are swirling and coalescing around such topics as the recent fashion kerfuffles and what this might mean for “plaidists,” who have been kvetching about people choosing to wear non-plaid prints for a jackalope’s age at this point, such that nobody wants to hear any more from them or include them in any Fashion Freedom soirees. It has been suggested that they might just wish to go back to the homeland of plaid, even though nobody used to have a problem with plaid in these parts. Still, there is hope that the plaidists will learn to be at peace with the many other patterns and embellishments and such that make up a fully realized fashion palette. Otherwise they will eventually attract the wrong attention and likely be hexed with some absurdly creative and likely hilarious affliction like that one time the “sequinists” got fashion hexed. They had, in their sparkling oufits, created such a ruckus complaining that the “crystal embellishites” were, by comparison, dimming their sparkle and that crystal embellishment should be banned. This drew the ire of a certain resident wickidity practitioner who then cursed them with “sparkle blindness,” making their entire wardrobes obsolete.  That has little obvious connection to confuscatory linguistic strategies, except to the more fashion sensitive of yokels. 

A pair of “plaidists” on the prowl 

So, clearly, people are simply confused over what all of this means. Of course this has prompted Professor Percival Prattle to chime in as usual because he can’t help himself. 

“It’s a circumstance more phanic than rectitudinous, as the paucity of versimilitude exudes a proscribing obscurantism suggesting zabernistic intent by a frequently cameralist deripotent of deglutitious bulimy. Facinorous the compulsatory zygomic anergia, the animastic made somatic communally by way of medico-parasynesis presenting a galipot of dormition, appercipient and incogitable. So, yes, obviously we know what’s going on. Shakespeare said it most clearly.” 

It has been speculated down at Bill-Jake’s Bar and Barbeque that Prattle meant that the local trend of fashion religiosity is problematic and requires new forms of disguise. It might even require the invention of some new pattern like invisible paisley that looks like plaid but isn’t, for instance. 

“I think all of this wordiness is just a way of sounding smart because there’s nothing to say,” offered one yokel who preferred we not use his name.