Nowhere, Tx. “Get your funky on, folks.” That’s the message behind a demonstration of this week arranged by local fashion enthusiasts who are gathering to flout the scourge of boringness. Fashion Police in Nowhere are being called out today by the Fashion Freedom Coalition to combat acts of fascist fashion faux-pas proscription. “Get Your Drab Off My Fab”, “Free To Be Funky” and “Beige Blights, Polychrome Rights,” were among the placard slogans lofted by wildly outfitted Nowhere denizens some have denounced as “weird,” “upsetting,” and even, horror of horrors, “tacky”. The outlandishly attired Fashion Freedomists are calling for a total disbandment of the enforcers of what they characterize as a totally beigist and evilist conspiracy promoted by a drab, anti-aesthetic group of shadowy creeps hiding their ugly agenda behind the persecution of individuality and personal freedom in the form of fabulous fashion statements.
This group, the rumored Beige/Solid Cabal, is thought by the outspoken group Fashionist Coalition, to be attempting enslavement all of Nowhere by enforcing an anti-creative regime that seeks the nullification of all that is beautiful by means of conformity to dingy hue regulation. This secretive group purportedly wishes to outlaw all but the most neutral color schemes, limiting clothing choices to beige, taupe, gray, black, white, etc. Neutrals, according to them are the only expression that can be universally inoffensive. In fact, this unappealing cabal is supposedly working toward eradication of all but a bland beige uniform, which aim is the origin of their moniker.
“For the sake of good taste and panache we, as a society that values independence and imagination in expression, must combat this anti-innovative authoritarian offensive against sartorial self-expression. The right to self determine one’s own creative vision of vogue is sacrosanct. We do not seek to outlaw the lackluster, but merely to demonstrate its limited appeal by way of extravagant imagination and variegated variation. We need not oppose dreary when we can so splendidly supplant it,” proclaimed the megaphone wielding Jeaux Bleau, a spokesman for the group and a self-proclaimed proponent of mixed prints. “Our appeal is to be appealing or appalling, but never boring. This is what the Nowhere Fashion Police fear most. We refuse coercion to dismality.” With this statement the colorful attendees began to chant their varied slogans which were obscured by their variation, but which all proclaimed fashion freedom.
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| Professor Prattle, Local Know-it-All |
Local know-it-all, the pince-nezed Professor Percival Prattle of Nowhere University was called upon to weigh in, or merely felt compelled to do so because he was long ago hit by a blather hex and can’t not, pointed out that the Fashion Freedom movement has recently been rocked by inner conflicts. “Lately Purple Paisley and Polkadot Party has been beset by a movement against particular prints. They call themselves Plaid Lives Portend. This group proclaims that those who wear polka dots harm the interest of plaidists merely by their spotted attire, a proclamation that all other mixed print proponents find unfounded. There is a long held suspicion in the Fashion Freedom as well as the Fashionist Coalition movement that the Beige/Solid Cabal is spreading sedition against freedomists by infiltrating their ranks and turning enthusiasts of one colorway or print preference against all others,” Prattle explained. “There is evidence to the point of obviousness that this is true, but the cabal is so poorly dressed that most people simply fail to notice them. The recent blighting of Nowhere by Kraut Schnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini is a perfect example. They proclaimed loudly against non-dullness of all stripes, but were largely and easily ignored even before the Wicked Witch of Nowhere hexed them with that quantum “Hear-No-Evil/See-No-Evil Hex” and they faded into non-existence.”
“When it comes to what some label as gaucheries or appalling bad taste, we reserve the right to ill. Every man and woman should be able to express in dress as absurdly or elegantly as they might feel moved. We accept no limit to vestiary stylings. Also, we of a flamboyant inclination must not succumb to silly, narrow definitions of sartorial correctness of any kind. There should be no conflict between those who prefer sequins and the wearers of metallic floral prints. Those who favor crystal embellished denim have the same interests as the wearers of boldly colored faux fur when it comes to fashion freedom. Let us all stand for freedom above all, and direct our critiques toward the beigists who wish to circumscribe our clothing choice,” said one local fashion expert who preferred to remain anonymous.
The Beige/Solid Cabal has yet to respond to queries from this paper and given their penchant for hiding in beige rooms wearing all beige, locating them is never easy. It likely doesn’t matter as the general blandness of their discourse makes it nearly impossible to follow without somnolence intruding. So far there have been no arrests of even the most absurdly clad residents of the region. This may be because fashion police rightly fear The Wicked Witch of West Texas finding out about their nefarious threats. Some have suggested that the reason for their silence may be that she has, in fact, found out and they have become subject to the “Hear-No-Evil/See-No-Evil Hex”.
“Someone proposed that we search for them,” stated Sheriff Roger-Bob, “which we all know is code for declaring a city-wide barbecue week which will be followed by a collective food coma. We’ll probably do that even though Schnitzel and Hamwini most likely don’t even eat barbecue. The hope is that it would, in fact, drive them further from this reality. It would also be delicious and give folks a chance to dress in their most outlandish attire.”
