The Nowhere Unicorn Fiasco™, as it's now known, was nowhere near over, though. Most folks, as in all residents of Nowhere, were willing to write it off to common idiocy. "That Harper kid's a moron. Always has been. We all assumed he'd accidentally caught his head in a vice again, or something. Then there was that one time he was experimenting with raising mice in his skull. He's never been right in the head. Now, I just don't know." This is Bob-Mike Roberts. His skepticism fled like a rainbow after the storm, all because of his own interesting experience with a creature he hesitates to describe at first, but when pressed admits: "As far as I could tell, it was a Unicorn. It was somewhat obscured at intervals by all kinds of swirling lights and sparkles and disco effects, but it very definitely appeared to be a Unicorn. A white Unicorn when I could glimpse him through all of the spangley psychedelic sparkleness. The sound was like a disco Saturday night in Xanadu. It was heavenly and it forced me to bust a couple of moves. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I think Herb was doing the Latin Hustle. I was tending my cactus garden when it materialized. The vision claimed to be Herb the Battle Unicorn, and warned me that there was a rattle snake behind the mesquite where my garden tote was setting. I don't have a logical explanation, but I went over and looked, and sure enough it was true. A rattler as thick as my arm was resting just out of view, but inches from my tools. I don't know what happened, but I'm thankful to Herb the Battle Unicorn™. Herb told me to pass on a special message to humanity." Roberts pauses. "It's crazy." He takes a deep breath to compose himself and then relays the message he claims to have been given by a glimmering, glowing rainbow Unicorn, "Groove is in the heart. That's what he said."
"There's been a couple more fellas picked up around town, bawling their eyes out and mewling about a scary, scary Unicorn™. It was starting to seem like our entire criminal class in the greater Nowhere metropolitan area had turned into piss-pants babies. Every one of them said that this Unicorn fellow demanded that they tell people about him or he'd return and gore them with his specially modified screwing-action magical horn. It was ridiculous. But that was before the security camera." This is Sheriff Bubba Jo again. "I was sure they'd just gotten hold of some strange artificially flavored drink mix, but I've seen that video a thousand times now."
The video is now an internet-wide phenomenon. Soon after officials of Nowhere officially decided to officially suppress the footage by losing the floppy disc it was saved on in the bottom of a desk drawer in Nowhere City Hall, the video was somehow leaked. Nobody can explain how the images, saved only to one anachronistic disc buried under the decades-old dank crap collection made it onto the internet, and how that seems to have launched a worldwide flurry-- nay, an explosion, of Unicorn sightings.
"To be honest," says yokel Ben Dover, "there was a lot of joking about the whole thing for a few weeks, but after a while, I'd try to whip up a good heckling of the latest idiot, and nobody laughed. They all just got real quiet." He looks lost in contemplation as he scratches the thatch on his beer belly.
It was the video that changed everything. Once people saw that, it emerged that nearly every man, woman and child in Nowhere had seen Herb the Battle Unicorn™ and no longer found the subject remotely funny. People came out of the sagebrush to share their accounts. Herb the Battle Unicorn saved a lost puppy, aided a bank robbery in progress, stopped people from texting and driving and many more good deeds as well as eliminating crime in Nowhere. Herb the Battle Unicorn, it was very quickly agreed, was the greatest thing ever to come to Nowhere, West Texas.
"That was when Barbwire Steve proposed we make a holiday to honor our local supernatural mascot." To be honest people started flocking to Nowhere in hopes of a sighting. First they came from Laredo and El Paso, but as word spread, people began to arrive from exotic locales. Local businesses responded with Herb-themed merchandise. A brand new sign at the edge of town proclaims this to be, "Home of Herb the Battle Unicorn." Nowhere was suddenly awash in Unicorn-themed artifacts and promotions. Jack's Qs on the newly renamed Unicorn Way (formerly Main St.) advertises 'Unicorn Ribs Special' above a chainsaw sculpture of Herb the Battle Unicorn. There's The Unicorn Motel, Unicorn Frozen Treats, The Unicorn Boutique - specializing in wearable Unicorn gear. One can buy Unicorn keychains and statuettes and grill implements. Unicorn massage tools, mandalas, sigils and crystals are for sale at the Magical Unicorn Emporium, along with tufts of Unicorn hair gathered from barbed wire where Herb has been sighted and even glittery Unicorn poop. The list goes on.
Professor Prattle of Nowhere Normal School has just published his seminal account of the phenomenon titled 'Unicorn Riot-- How a Mythical Animal Took Over Nowhere and Everywhere.' "This is clearly a phenomenological anomalous metastatic trans-dimensional alteration of the universal je ne sais quoi. The main subject of inquiry remains whether this latest outbreak of the odd is in any way related to The Wicked Witch formerly of these parts. I have dire suspicions, but thus far Herb the Battle Unicorn is viewed as a hero, a protector of the innocent."
It was recently decided that every year on the anniversary of the arrest of Jordy Harper there should be held a grand festival in honor of the horned steed. The Nowhere Unicorn Fiasco and Barbeque Cook-off™was born and in a month's time from the official declaration, the reports began to stream in from across the world. Nowhere is a town with exactly one security camera, the one at Unicorn Stop n' Shop, where Herb was first recorded, but recently video evidence is piling up from far flung places. Herb has been sighted in Walla Walla, Cucomunga, Tasmania, Bora Bora, New York, York, Stratford on Avon, Paris, Milan and more places every day. His visibility has shed light on Herb the Battle Unicorn's motives.
What does Herb the Battle Unicorn want? If the evidence can be trusted Herb the Battle Unicorn seems bent on punishing evil-doers and disco dancing. Politicians, bankers, captains of industry, serial killers and sleaze-balls of all descriptions are worried as their numbers grow thinner in mysterious ways, many times with the liquidation of such evil-doers occurring in view of video surveillance equipment. Those videos that have made it to the public domain prove Herb a fabulous dancer and have also shown a range of magnificent powers. In various instances Herb can be seen shooting flames from his nose, lightning bolts from his eyes, goring with his horn, stunning with his hypnotic gaze, flying, slicing with his rapier wit, flowing, glowing, luminescing and more. Officials in government have been trying to stop the emergence of reports of these events, knowing jack else to do, but most of them are counting the days until they come face to face with the rainbow ambassador to the rainbow bridge.
Some observers of the public sphere point out that there seems to have been much alteration of the platforms of major political parties in the last few months, as well as big changes in the way many industries are being run. Speculation is that many in high up places are scared shitless.
Herb has delivered messages via a few of his proteges, all somehow alluding to his role as a protector of innocence and Intergalactic Dance Commander. He has requested that his fans and followers, in any way that they can, get down and boogie and also that they don't do absurdly evil shit because he's already got quite a full schedule.
Tickets go on sale next week for the The First Annual Nowhere Unicorn Fiasco and Barbeque Cook-off to be held Feb. 19, 2019. Unicorn Shangri-La, the world's largest Unicorn theme park is scheduled to grandly open on that date. Get your tickets now, as the main attraction is rumored to be a special appearance of Herb the Battle Unicorn and Elvis in concert with visitors from outside the solar system providing special effects. It's going to be a spectacular event.
Tickets are to be free, but hard to come by, and will look exactly like Herb the Battle Unicorn official wallet Unicorns. Get yours now.
