Fashion Freedom Coalition Calls for Renewed Funkiness — Developing

Some of the protesters with their faces obscured for anonymity

 

Nowhere, Tx. “Get your funky on, folks.” That’s the message behind a demonstration of this week arranged by local fashion enthusiasts who are gathering to flout the scourge of boringness. Fashion Police in Nowhere are being called out today by the Fashion Freedom Coalition to combat acts of fascist fashion faux-pas proscription. “Get Your Drab Off My Fab”, “Free To Be Funky” and “Beige Blights, Polychrome Rights,” were among the placard slogans lofted by wildly outfitted Nowhere denizens some have denounced as “weird,” “upsetting,” and even, horror of horrors, “tacky”. The outlandishly attired Fashion Freedomists are calling for a total disbandment of the enforcers of what they characterize as a totally beigist and evilist conspiracy promoted by a drab, anti-aesthetic group of shadowy creeps hiding their ugly agenda behind the persecution of individuality and personal freedom in the form of fabulous fashion statements.

 This group, the rumored Beige/Solid Cabal, is thought by the outspoken group Fashionist Coalition, to be attempting enslavement all of Nowhere by enforcing an anti-creative regime that seeks the nullification of all that is beautiful by means of conformity to dingy hue regulation. This secretive group purportedly wishes to outlaw all but the most neutral color schemes, limiting clothing choices to beige, taupe, gray, black, white, etc. Neutrals, according to them are the only expression that can be universally inoffensive. In fact, this unappealing cabal is supposedly working toward eradication of all but a bland beige uniform, which aim is the origin of their moniker. 

“For the sake of good taste and panache we, as a society that values independence and imagination in expression, must combat this anti-innovative authoritarian offensive against sartorial self-expression. The right to self determine one’s own creative vision of vogue is sacrosanct. We do not seek to outlaw the lackluster, but merely to demonstrate its limited appeal by way of extravagant imagination and variegated variation. We need not oppose dreary when we can so splendidly supplant it,” proclaimed the megaphone wielding Jeaux Bleau, a spokesman for the group and a self-proclaimed proponent of mixed prints. “Our appeal is to be appealing or appalling, but never boring. This is what the Nowhere Fashion Police fear most. We refuse coercion to dismality.” With this statement the colorful attendees began to chant their varied slogans which were obscured by their variation, but which all proclaimed fashion freedom. 

Professor Prattle, Local Know-it-All

Local know-it-all, the pince-nezed Professor Percival Prattle of Nowhere University was called upon to weigh in, or merely felt compelled to do so because he was long ago hit by a blather hex and can’t not, pointed out that the Fashion Freedom movement has recently been rocked by inner conflicts. “Lately Purple Paisley and Polkadot Party has been beset by a movement against particular prints. They call themselves Plaid Lives Portend. This group proclaims that those who wear polka dots harm the interest of plaidists merely by their spotted attire, a proclamation that all other mixed print proponents find unfounded. There is a long held suspicion in the Fashion Freedom as well as the Fashionist Coalition movement that the Beige/Solid Cabal is spreading sedition against freedomists by infiltrating their ranks and turning enthusiasts of one colorway or print preference against all others,” Prattle explained. “There is evidence to the point of obviousness that this is true, but the cabal is so poorly dressed that most people simply fail to notice them. The recent blighting of Nowhere by Kraut Schnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini is a perfect example. They proclaimed loudly against non-dullness of all stripes, but were largely and easily ignored even before the Wicked Witch of Nowhere hexed them with that quantum “Hear-No-Evil/See-No-Evil Hex” and they faded into non-existence.” 

Shnitzel and Hamwini are here pictured annoying an unfortunate kid

Some have dismissed the Beige/Solid Cabal as a ridiculous but powerless band of chromophobic cretins, but this fails to contend with their coercive color agenda as well as their total enthusiasm for forcing their ridiculous intentions. Their proponency for prescribed paucity of personal presentation might be posited as pedantic were it not for their admitted penchant for total punishment of polychromous scofflaws. Their calls for permanent punishments like exile to polar regions where fashion choices are nearly null are at the mild end of what many believe they truly intend. 

Local fashion experts consulted

“When it comes to what some label as gaucheries or appalling bad taste, we reserve the right to ill. Every man and woman should be able to express in dress as absurdly or elegantly as they might feel moved. We accept no limit to vestiary stylings. Also, we of a flamboyant inclination must not succumb to silly, narrow definitions of sartorial correctness of any kind. There should be no conflict between those who prefer sequins and the wearers of metallic floral prints. Those who favor crystal embellished denim have the same interests as the wearers of boldly colored faux fur when it comes to fashion freedom. Let us all stand for freedom above all, and direct our critiques toward the beigists who wish to circumscribe our clothing choice,” said one local fashion expert who preferred to remain anonymous. 

The Beige/Solid Cabal has yet to respond to queries from this paper and given their penchant for hiding in beige rooms wearing all beige, locating them is never easy. It likely doesn’t matter as the general blandness of their discourse makes it nearly impossible to follow without somnolence intruding. So far there have been no arrests of even the most absurdly clad residents of the region. This may be because fashion police rightly fear The Wicked Witch of West Texas finding out about their nefarious threats. Some have suggested that the reason for their silence may be that she has, in fact, found out and they have become subject to the “Hear-No-Evil/See-No-Evil Hex”. 

“Someone proposed that we search for them,” stated Sheriff Roger-Bob, “which we all know is code for declaring a city-wide barbecue week which will be followed by a collective food coma. We’ll probably do that even though Schnitzel and Hamwini most likely don’t even eat barbecue. The hope is that it would, in fact, drive them further from this reality. It would also be delicious and give folks a chance to dress in their most outlandish attire.”

Creepy Weirdos Ignored, Cease to Exist, Maybe (Nobody Cares)

A photo of Kraut Schitzel and Nebbish Hamwini harrassing a kid 

Yokels in Nowhere have been asking themselves what ever happened to a couple of wacked out freaks who showed up in these parts a few weeks back. It’s not known how the weirdos arrived in Nowhere spouting their spurious nonsense, but they definitely annoyed a few folks for at least several minutes. They paraded up and down Nowhere Blvd pompously proclaiming that they were the new “arbiters of reality,” whatever that’s supposed to mean. The pair announced themselves to be one Kraut Schnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini and then began to blather on suggesting various absurdities like bug barbecue, giving all property to Kraut, wearing only beige and getting injected with some unknown substance. Mayor Boob-Hoo declared the pair “unwanted grifters” which did nothing to shut them up. People willfully ignored them for a while but eventually the Wicked Witch of Nowhere got wind of their idiocy and placed what she announced as a “Hear-No-Evil/See-No-Evil” curse on them, whereupon they seemingly vanished. Some people did find evidence of their continuing existence through means of digital photography and infrared sensing for about a week, but at that point the  images of them began to shrink until finally, no trace could be located. It was initially understood that they were simply invisible and inaudible because of their bad ideas, but even more subtle indications of their limited existence eventually began to fade. 

Professor Prattle of Nowhere University was contacted for comment. “It’s likely that because of the inability of these absurd clowns to get attention they became like the tree that falls in the woods when nobody can hear it,” explained Prattle. “They simply ceased to exist because they were no longer perceived to exist. I think this is one instance in which we can thank the Wicked Witch of Nowhere for relieving everyone of needless blathering by a pair of dimwits.” 

Nowhere officials have announced that there will be no search for Kraut Shnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini because nobody particularly wants them found. They also note that any attempt to locate the obnoxious pair of grifters would probably anger the Wicked Witch since she’s obviously responsible for their removal from reality and nobody wants to risk that. Some have even proposed sending her a “thank you”  card. 

If anyone should sight the grifting morons, it’s been suggested by Sheriff Jim-Bob that the sighting be reported to our local evil-doer that they might be re-hexed or whatever on would do in such a situation of hex-failure. 

Time Caught Re-Arranging in Nowhere

 Nowhere, West Texas-

Time is reportedly becoming strange of late (whatever that means now, if there is a now) in the Nowhere region of West Texas. Several folks have had their past altered in recored history despite their memory of past events being entirely different than the recorded data for those events. Or so they say. Those who claim retro-causality are often considered unreliable witnesses to their own experience, so many are happy to disregard claims of altered timelines. “I did see Bill-Roger on August 23rd, and I do have a credit card receipt to prove it, but if there’s proof he was at the Eiffel Tower that day, who am I to question it?” opined his drinking buddy Sam-Bob. “Damn it, Sam-Bob. I beat you at pool that day. That’s why you won’t admit I spent all day a Randy’s Roadhouse with you. Or maybe you were concussed when that English fellow clubbed you with a bass guitar,” was Bill-Roger’s retort, to which Sam-Bob only shrugged. “I’ve never set foot on French soil,” Bill-Roger added as his drinking buddy walked away to get another round. 

“Sam-Bob had the temerity to suggest that I bi-located or time traveled. August 23rd wasn’t that long ago. I think I’d remember that sort of thing. Look, I have video on my phone of that Brit bashing Sam-Bob. It has a date. I was here, thank heavens. I’d not have missed that British bloke beating Sam-Bob for all the cheese curds in Canada. 

“While Bill-Roger did produce the video of the much-celebrated bass-bludgeoning, that could have been taken by anyone.” Stated local know-it-all, Professor Prattle, of Nowhere State University as he squinted through his monocle, his tone condescending enough to cancel any doubt anyone might raise on the matter. “Bill-Roger is obviously obfuscating a time-travel or bi-location event, which for whatever reason he doesn’t want the area yokels to know about. This is most likely because he’s hiding some kind of activity related to The Wicked Witch of Nowhere,” Prattle added.

Professor Prattle, Local Know-it-All

The purported proof which probably proves practically zilch:

“Melba Jones got a bill from a the Menger Hotel last week,” Sam-Bob pointed out following Prattle’s departure. “She’s never even been there. I’m telling you, time is taking a strange turn ‘round these parts.” 

“Whether one believes such tales or not, it hardly matters. Time is illusory,” stated local quantum physics know-it-all, Mr. Jones. “Just run along and don’t worry your pretty little heads over it. Either that, or take it up with the Witch.” 

The Tumbleweed would contact the Witch for comments were it safe to do so. 

Plague of Vampires Plagues Nowhere, Witch Returns, De-Plagues the Place

 (Nowhere, Tx.) Yokels in the Nowhere region have been beset for a spell now with a scourge of vampires so insidious that it has led to calls by the citizenry to appeal to the resident evil-doer for help. Although locals have tended to consider the Wicked Witch a frightening, unpredictable, insane and yet powerful nemesis, a recent incursions by vampires so cartoonishly evil as to make said witch a veritable paragon of sanity has made them reprioritize their dislikes and consider Wickidity, at least where vampires are concerned. It was in this spirit and having drunk a pint of spirits, that Jim-James Smither, appointed representative of Nowhere, approached the Wicked Witch of Nowhere by going out of the bar and shouting provocations at the sky. 

When the Wicked Witch of Nowhere materialized, first as a swarm of moths, which coalesced into a dark silhouette to finally become an overdressed weirdo with snakes for hair; the Witch arrived looking as irritated as is her custom. Her demeanor brightened when the yokel who’d made contact fell to his knees, sobbing and pleading with her not to blight him. 

The Official Delegation for Explaining emerged, crawling on hands and knees from the bar as soon as it Jim-James was seen to have so far survived summoning the Wicked Witch of Nowhere. They explained through tears the invasion of vampires. Much to the surprise and non-surprise of all, the Witch was infuriated. The non-surprise was her anger and the surprise was that it was directed at vampires and not tormenting the town. Some had deduced her distaste for vampires from her previous punishments of things that turned out to be vampire adjacent.

Just as the Witch erupted with fury, conveniently, a vampire rounded the corner looking ready to attack, needle-fangs bared, it lunged at one of the onlookers but burst into a strange sort of flame, which engulfed the figure, but rather than burning it, the figure deflated and then scattered like dust. This was accompanied by anguished howling so hideous as to draw comparisons to that one time Banshees were released upon Nowhere because somebody made the mistake of playing a blab cd in the Nowhere city limits. It has recently been discovered that that person was the same to have brought the vampire pandemic to the area. 

The Witch took to the sky to declare, via sky-writing that the area was a “Vampire Free Zone.” A horiffic howling screech went up and plumes of smoke rose from various locations around town. 

“The Wicked Witch of Nowhere is on a tear now. Vampires had better look out.”  Declared the mayor of Nowhere, West Texas. 

“This crazed clown apocalypse is almost certainly going to get more hilarious,” remarked a commentator who pleaded not to be named. The vampires, in case it was not previously reported have been trying to disguise themselves as clowns. 

Masked Moron Marauders Mystery

Boob-hoo, Former Evil Clown Mayor of Nowhere

Nowhere, West Texas- 

Nowhere and parts therabouts have been overrun of late by a horde of masked bandits, whom nobody can clearly identify because they are wearing masks, mostly in the form of bandanas over the lower portion of the face, but some more goofy permutations have been observed. The wearers of these masks are apparently afflicted with some kind of mental illness that has them skittering away, wide-eyed and fearful if approached for questioning. The paranoid behaviors of the masked nitwits has prevented anyone from ascertaining any real knowledge of their affliction, so they are obviously considered to be nuts. There is an ominous side to this story, however. It might even be another evil plot, which is not without precedent. 

The situation harkens back to the mask craze of 2016 when half the populace dressed up as scary clowns and menaced this entire neck of the wastelands. This presaged a great clown incursion into our collective reality sandwich here in Nowehere. Boob-hoo the crazed clown comic creep was thereafter elected mayor of Nowhere by a few of the inhabitants who were too stupid and lazy to be out fighting the plague of snakes which had been released from planes over the town by a deranged flying clown circus. Since then, the residents of Nowhere have been transported through a warped carnival looking glass into a bizarre alternate reality where nonsense is credited as sound reasoning and everyone believes in invisible menaces to their safety. What this all portends we don't rightly know, however, there are rumblings of some more strange happenings, as it is rumored that Lulu has once again absconded or been shanghaied from the Walla Walla environs with no word yet as to her location. Sky writing has appeared during the last three days which seems to allude to a new and improved Wicked Witch adventure in which Lulu may very well be participating. Three days ago, the sky was observed to declare, "Lulu is Busy.” 

Whether her participation is voluntary or not is very much a question. However, it is reported that since the end of her Sugarland and West Texas adventure of yore, Lulu and her aunt have truly melded forces in order to take over the role of reality creation in the physical universe and beyond. This is widely considered by the intelligentsia of Nowhere to be a complete wicked fabrication for obfuscatory purpose or a folie au deux or a secret mission involving alternate universes. It could also be all three or something else entirely or some things that are simultaneously contradictory. We are simply reporting the facts as they become known. 

Some rumors suggest that Lulu and The Witch are merely masked, but that they are experimenting with magical mask tech that enables complete invisibility, or even shape-shifting. That is considered to be the most likely scenario. There have been unconfirmed sightings of Lulu with The Wicked Witch in which they simply vanished from plain sight. These eyewitness accounts were given by people who were formerly considered sane but who have for now been corralled since they are obviously crazy. Anyone who sees Lulu and The Witch appear and vanish again is urged to call the Nowhere Sheriff so they might be properly caged and quarantined for craziness. 

Some have suggested wearing masks to protect themselves from this mass insanity. Where this will end is anyone’s guess. 

Unusual Mechanical Device Found Yonder

Nowhere, Tx-- Folks are yammerin' today on the subject of a weird mechanical device found this morning in the vicinity of JimBob's Barbeque in Nowhere. The device looked like one of those court reporter machines and was emblazoned with the words Medusa Recordex. One person attempted to turn on said device this morning, only to be reduced to a theorizing blob of excessive metaphysical blathering. The victim, who wishes to be known as The Entity Formerly Known as Jim-Roger, has announced a bunch of nonsense we can't begin to decipher and he gave away his giant monster truck to the nearest passerby with some absurd advice along the lines of "Here's my truck. You shouldn't keep it, but that is a matter of your own eternal journey." Something like that. Folks were considering locking him up in the town jail and equipment shed, but since he wasn't really doing any harm and he was giving away a bunch of his stuff, it was agreed that he should be left to his own devices. As of this writing the Medusa Recordex has seemingly vanished or been stolen. It is now being investigated for links to the Wicked Witch of (formerly) West Texas. There are indications it may have been taken to our sister city of Walla Walla, as stories are surfacing in those parts regarding this odd contraption.

Meanwhile the tumbleweed races have taken a strange turn in our alternative city of Walla Walla after a bunch of extremely strong wind set the critters in motion, causing extreme episodes of blockage. What this ambiguous event portends is difficult to divine, however whisperings indicate that there has been a recent Wickidity realignment in those parts and it may have involved sky writing.

Tumbleweed Hex Announced to the Crazy via Hallucinatory Nonsense

Nowhere, Tx. I has lately come to the attention of this writer who shall remain anonymous that various persons have received warnings via "visions" that a tumbleweed hex is in the forecast for Nowhere this week. Since nobody in Nowhere believes in "visions" at all, the folks having said "psychic revelations" are now considered quite a bit crazy and their "visions" have been dubbed hallucinations by such important big wigs as Mayor Jim-Paul of Nowhere, who is an expert on normalcy in this region. The wackos mentioned have, nevertheless, insisted that their supposed predictions be noted in the paper of record, which also bears a moniker coincidentally related to such non-existent phenom as is referenced in the supposed predictions. The West Texas Tumbleweed has agreed to announce this nonsense in order to placate these sudden "psychics", but nobody should bother thinking much about their little predictions because they are not considered sane. The visions reported involved the entire town being hemmed in by a veritable wall of tumbleweeds such as to be impassible, which is utterly impossible. There was some cackling involved in the imaginal events, so they jumped to the absurd conclusion that it was to be another hexing event. We're sure there is nothing to worry your pretty heads about, though. Tumbleweeds in these parts prefer to run fast.