Fashion Freedom Coalition Calls for Renewed Funkiness — Developing

Some of the protesters with their faces obscured for anonymity

 

Nowhere, Tx. “Get your funky on, folks.” That’s the message behind a demonstration of this week arranged by local fashion enthusiasts who are gathering to flout the scourge of boringness. Fashion Police in Nowhere are being called out today by the Fashion Freedom Coalition to combat acts of fascist fashion faux-pas proscription. “Get Your Drab Off My Fab”, “Free To Be Funky” and “Beige Blights, Polychrome Rights,” were among the placard slogans lofted by wildly outfitted Nowhere denizens some have denounced as “weird,” “upsetting,” and even, horror of horrors, “tacky”. The outlandishly attired Fashion Freedomists are calling for a total disbandment of the enforcers of what they characterize as a totally beigist and evilist conspiracy promoted by a drab, anti-aesthetic group of shadowy creeps hiding their ugly agenda behind the persecution of individuality and personal freedom in the form of fabulous fashion statements.

 This group, the rumored Beige/Solid Cabal, is thought by the outspoken group Fashionist Coalition, to be attempting enslavement all of Nowhere by enforcing an anti-creative regime that seeks the nullification of all that is beautiful by means of conformity to dingy hue regulation. This secretive group purportedly wishes to outlaw all but the most neutral color schemes, limiting clothing choices to beige, taupe, gray, black, white, etc. Neutrals, according to them are the only expression that can be universally inoffensive. In fact, this unappealing cabal is supposedly working toward eradication of all but a bland beige uniform, which aim is the origin of their moniker. 

“For the sake of good taste and panache we, as a society that values independence and imagination in expression, must combat this anti-innovative authoritarian offensive against sartorial self-expression. The right to self determine one’s own creative vision of vogue is sacrosanct. We do not seek to outlaw the lackluster, but merely to demonstrate its limited appeal by way of extravagant imagination and variegated variation. We need not oppose dreary when we can so splendidly supplant it,” proclaimed the megaphone wielding Jeaux Bleau, a spokesman for the group and a self-proclaimed proponent of mixed prints. “Our appeal is to be appealing or appalling, but never boring. This is what the Nowhere Fashion Police fear most. We refuse coercion to dismality.” With this statement the colorful attendees began to chant their varied slogans which were obscured by their variation, but which all proclaimed fashion freedom. 

Professor Prattle, Local Know-it-All

Local know-it-all, the pince-nezed Professor Percival Prattle of Nowhere University was called upon to weigh in, or merely felt compelled to do so because he was long ago hit by a blather hex and can’t not, pointed out that the Fashion Freedom movement has recently been rocked by inner conflicts. “Lately Purple Paisley and Polkadot Party has been beset by a movement against particular prints. They call themselves Plaid Lives Portend. This group proclaims that those who wear polka dots harm the interest of plaidists merely by their spotted attire, a proclamation that all other mixed print proponents find unfounded. There is a long held suspicion in the Fashion Freedom as well as the Fashionist Coalition movement that the Beige/Solid Cabal is spreading sedition against freedomists by infiltrating their ranks and turning enthusiasts of one colorway or print preference against all others,” Prattle explained. “There is evidence to the point of obviousness that this is true, but the cabal is so poorly dressed that most people simply fail to notice them. The recent blighting of Nowhere by Kraut Schnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini is a perfect example. They proclaimed loudly against non-dullness of all stripes, but were largely and easily ignored even before the Wicked Witch of Nowhere hexed them with that quantum “Hear-No-Evil/See-No-Evil Hex” and they faded into non-existence.” 

Shnitzel and Hamwini are here pictured annoying an unfortunate kid

Some have dismissed the Beige/Solid Cabal as a ridiculous but powerless band of chromophobic cretins, but this fails to contend with their coercive color agenda as well as their total enthusiasm for forcing their ridiculous intentions. Their proponency for prescribed paucity of personal presentation might be posited as pedantic were it not for their admitted penchant for total punishment of polychromous scofflaws. Their calls for permanent punishments like exile to polar regions where fashion choices are nearly null are at the mild end of what many believe they truly intend. 

Local fashion experts consulted

“When it comes to what some label as gaucheries or appalling bad taste, we reserve the right to ill. Every man and woman should be able to express in dress as absurdly or elegantly as they might feel moved. We accept no limit to vestiary stylings. Also, we of a flamboyant inclination must not succumb to silly, narrow definitions of sartorial correctness of any kind. There should be no conflict between those who prefer sequins and the wearers of metallic floral prints. Those who favor crystal embellished denim have the same interests as the wearers of boldly colored faux fur when it comes to fashion freedom. Let us all stand for freedom above all, and direct our critiques toward the beigists who wish to circumscribe our clothing choice,” said one local fashion expert who preferred to remain anonymous. 

The Beige/Solid Cabal has yet to respond to queries from this paper and given their penchant for hiding in beige rooms wearing all beige, locating them is never easy. It likely doesn’t matter as the general blandness of their discourse makes it nearly impossible to follow without somnolence intruding. So far there have been no arrests of even the most absurdly clad residents of the region. This may be because fashion police rightly fear The Wicked Witch of West Texas finding out about their nefarious threats. Some have suggested that the reason for their silence may be that she has, in fact, found out and they have become subject to the “Hear-No-Evil/See-No-Evil Hex”. 

“Someone proposed that we search for them,” stated Sheriff Roger-Bob, “which we all know is code for declaring a city-wide barbecue week which will be followed by a collective food coma. We’ll probably do that even though Schnitzel and Hamwini most likely don’t even eat barbecue. The hope is that it would, in fact, drive them further from this reality. It would also be delicious and give folks a chance to dress in their most outlandish attire.”

It tracks.

Past Seen Revising in Nowhere (Video)

 (Nowhere) A strange wave of time disturbance swept Nowhere today. Things that were considered by many to have been done suddenly and spontaneously undid themselves, or were undone by the doers. It’s difficult to say, because before the things were undone circumstances seemed stable which are now highly subjective. 

“I had just eaten way too much brisket. Five slices to be exact,” remarked one resident. “I guess I’m lucky because I’m pretty sure I was about to have serious indigestion. Now I’m going to have one slice and go for a jog.” 

The backwarding of time has also been a boon for some who were seen to have committed other faux pas, like wearing the wrong mixed print combinations. So far the time reversal eruptions have sporadically effected only brief periods amounting cumulatively to around an hour. What is to come of this is so far unknown, but it is thought to be another annoyance eradication experiment by a certain resident witch. 

Video was captured of one time reversal outside of Roger’s Roadhouse: 

“In my opinion, the Wicked Witch of this area is working to apply this time reversal technology to specific people and events, rather than the entire town at once, enabling the selective de-existence of anything deemed drab or monotonous.” With this pronouncement, Professor Prattle seemed to become flustered. “I suppose I should stay indoors for a while, and maybe do some online shopping for floral prints,” he remarked before hurrying away. 

Residents of Nowhere, meanwhile, are encouraged to make creative use of the time reversals for whatever redoing opportunities they might permit. 

UPDATE: After this story was written and unwritten earlier today, certain things that had previously not been observed in this anomalous time glitch were observed. It remains undetermined how this development is related to the previous understanding of the unstable time situation, but it is now being stated by some witnesses that the temporal events have not been ubiquitous or uniformly distributed across the region. 

“It is well known that events like these can be subject to observer effects and may not occur at all if nobody is in the place where they don’t happen because they can’t unless someone is there. It also seems that different people who experience the time warp effects experience a different revision than the people around them. This is leading to quite a lot of disagreement,” Explained a now brightly garbed Professor Percival Prattle. “I personally was returned to last week, although the folks I was lecturing on relativity over by the hitching post insist I was droning on without interruption for the entire time. I suspect that inattentiveness may have played a part. But the fact remains that I had the opportunity to go back far enough to correct my obvious sartorial missteps. I actually acquired a metallic pink leather floor-length motorcycle jacket which I plan to wear for my next complimentary lecture at the town square. I’m sure everyone is going to want to hear about the paper I’m currently working on…” 

Prattle may or may not have continued this commentary, but from the point of view of this observer he blinked out of existence for a second, and reappeared just as he was beginning his remarks, so the interview was terminated. 

“Well, I can tell you this,” stated Nowhere mayor Jimmy Ray, “I was watching my brother perform a cactus jump when he just vanished and then reappeared wearing nothing but his boots. He insists that he was gone for an entire year and nobody was in town for that year, so he’d stopped dressing in order to save time. I don’t know what he was saving it for, since he’d already been through it. Or had he? This whole thing is mighty confusing.” 

Physicists are being consulted by the town council, but so far all they can offer is a bunch of pointless conjectures they’re calling “thought experiments.” 

Quantum Acceleration Accident (Or Test) Reported

(Nowhere, West Texas) Today on the far West side of Nowhere, a pocket of high strangeness hit when a quantum accelerator was switched on by unknown means in the center of “barbecue row”. The device was developed by the Wicked Witch of Nowhere to enhance the reality creation by way of thought. As soon as the contraption clicked on all sorts of chaos ensued. Monsters appeared everywhere and began attacking people, many of whom were suddenly naked. Buildings started to implode and explode. Chupacabras, Sasquatches, Killer Bees, Giant Spiders and many other nightmare creatures were seen. UFOs appeared and blasted some stuff to smithereens and it looked as if Nowhere was going to be completely destroyed. Luckily, or unfortunately, a horrid cackle rang out in the sky where the Witch was seen to be observing the chaos aloft her broom. As quickly as it began, the crapscape vanished. Sky writing was immediately observed announcing to the populace, “Clean Your Brains, Stupids.” 

A theory has been floated as to why this occurred from a source so ubiquitous we need no longer name the pince-nezed blatherer. “It’s quite clear that the residents of the region are being instructed by immersion in a horrid quantum experiment and lesson. The Witch has taken over many a facility in order to create an evil eradication program, but the nature of these things will surely cause an extreme quickening of thought-to-matter reality creation, so if folks are going around with their minds all clogged up with monsters and suchlike, it could get ugly.”

Meanwhile the Nowhere Multiplex Mega Movie Theater announced a 24 hour a day free 3-D horror extravaganza. The “Nightmares on Tap Terror Days Festival” is set to extend for as long as people will attend, according to the organizers. As an inducement the theater is offering complimentary refreshments featuring a new product line which includes Coma Cola, Pepper-adelic Pizza, Lethargy Licorice and many other delights which the strangely drab looking theater owners claim will enhance the experience. 

Fanny Packs Declared “The New Black”

Above Video Features Some Fashion Coalitionists Adopting the Latest Trend

In local fashion news, sky writing as of this morning declared, “fanny packs back in,” meaning that a new fashion craze is afoot in the Nowhere region. What this portends is anyone’s guess, but it’s well understood that the Wicked Witch of Nowhere has created, in cahoots with Prada, Marfa, an incredibly useful and stylish bag tech in which a handbag, or perhaps a fanny pack is equipped with a dimensional portal such that the bag can contain anything in the known universe, including the imaginary regions. The yokelry has long hoped that this wildly fashionable innovation would be made publicly available. Many of the more suggestible inhabitants hereabouts have already donned this newly declared fashions statement. 

There’s a good chance this is yet another vampire removal scheme. Only time and time-travel will tell. There is history of this sort of accessory declaration setting off a dance craze that has, in some cases, lasted for days. 

Quantum Evil-Eradication Technology to be Tested By The Wicked Witch

 

Image Captured by Jim Roger, Thought to be the Final Image of One of the Beigeists

(Nowhere, West Texas) After recent events in which the Nowhere, West Texas, area was beset by some wacked out evilists with ridiculously gauche outfits, the Wicked Witch of West Texas has delivered a message, via automatic writing to this paper. Another test is underway in which the Wicked Witch of Nowhere is harnessing the technology of a certain drably appointed cabal and subverting it with an “opposite hex”. 

The dull pair of morons, Kraut Shnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini, were just last week un-existed by way of a brilliant hex, the “See-No-Evil/Hear-No-Evil” hex, which caused the beigeist freaks to un-exist because of their no longer being perceptible. This inspired the local wickidity expert to consider a much magnified version of the hex, for which she arrived at a plan to subvert the function of a certain very large contraption near Geneva by way of an “opposite hex,” in order to boost the “See-No-Evil/Hear-No-Evil” hex to a global scale. Consulting Professor Prattle was, as usual, unavoidable. 

“You see, quantum physics tells us that every single thing in the world arises from perception. Therefore by way of the “See-No-Evil/Hear-No-Evil” hex, those who are composed entirely of evil become imperceptible and thus cease to exist, or, rather, exist in a different way. Rather than remaining matter, they simply become pure energy. Or perhaps they exist in another dimension apart from this one, given that they may still perceive one another. That part isn’t entirely clear. In fact none of it is entirely clear, but the point is the whole Beige Cabal is very likely about to follow Schnitzel and Hamwini, where every they might now be. Suffice it to say that nobody much cares what happens to the beigeists and if they do, the’d better keep it to themselves, since criticizing the plans of the Wicked Witch of Nowhere is known to be a bad idea.”

Prattle is most likely referring in his final comment to his time as a small reptile after his comments angered the Witch. He was temporarily transformed into a blue-lipped fence gecko, and probably would have remained so had said Witch not decided he could still be useful. Oddly, this has not dissuaded Prattle from continuing to comment on every single thing that happens here abouts. 

The disappearance of the dingy duo intrigued some folks enough that they tried weird photographic techniques attempting to capture images of the mostly gone creeps. A few images were captured that some speculated to be Schnitzel and Hamwini, but that is just speculation. 

Trickster Adoption Event Announced

A Were-Jackalope Chanting Rhyme, When This Occurs it’s RUNNING Time

(Nowhere, West Texas) The West Texas Trickster Humane Society announced today that they shall be sponsoring a “Trickster Adoption Day” next Friday, the 13th. The event, appropriately, will be held at the Jackalope Bar and Grill. All residents of Nowhere are encouraged by Witch decree to attend the event, as the resident Wickidity practitioner is extremely fond of tricksters of all species. Nowhere residents will be expected to arrive in fancy dress and select a trickster from among the many that will be on offer. Missing the event will be considered a declaration of animosity by the Wicked Witch of West Texas, although attendance isn’t required.  

“I sure wish we didn’t have to go to this shindig. Last year my cousin Jimmy-Ray was offered a Jackalope to adopt and of course, it was an offer he couldn’t refuse, but he no sooner got it home than he called me scared silly saying it had started in a’rhyming. Everybody knows what that means. It’s about to go into ‘were’ mode and there’s nothing worse than a were-Jackalope. I told him to put the critter outside and let it run off, but he was too scared of getting a spa vacation to do that. I can’t say I blame him much. We’ve all heard about the Witch’s spa vacations. Anyhow, nobody’s seen hide nor hair of him since that day. Just don’t tell anyone I told you this story, though.” This source can’t be named for his own safety. 

As usual, Professor Percival Prattle, who is keenly aware of the identities of journalist in the region, was adamant that his statement on the situation be taken. “The timing of this announcement is interesting. In many ways it calls to mind recent Nowhere events, starting with the Killer Vampire Clown incursion, which eventually led to the Beige/Solid Cabal which led straight into the current problems with both “beigists” and “Plaiditarians,” all of which form a larger conspiracy, which is what the Witch is actually combatting in this fourth dimensional chess move. One need only cast back to when there was a major evil clown incursion in these parts and it turned out that the evil clowns were vampires. Well, as we now know vampires are beauty-blind. They are essentially aesthetically retarded. When they attempted to infiltrate this region which is well known for its fierce fashion sensibilities, the first tried to mimic local fashion savants and ended up dressed like crazed clowns. We all remember how that ended. They were bloody obvious and they got smoked, literally.” 

Long time yokels from hereabouts likely remember the evil clown incursion and the horrible fashion faux pas that made them blatantly obvious to the most casual observers, but in case it’s not clear this is what happened:

via GIPHY

Actual Fashionists

Kraut Schnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini try to Sell a Kid on the Joy of Drab Dress

“It’s not difficult to understand how the vampires were spotted. They so deeply misunderstood fashion and the Witch and the residents of these parts are very aesthetically sensitive. So, the vampires tried another tack. They reasoned that if their aesthetic blindness caused them to be unable to mimic the truly fashionable, they would try a beige and neutral psy-op by convincing people that the only fashion statement they could manage, a basic beige uniform, was the height of good taste. Given the deep tolerance for weird looks in these parts, people were initially willing to accept their dull affectations. Everyone understood it was just unimaginative, but many saw these dullists as a good foil for their dramatic self presentations. This tolerance is what made Kraut Schnitzel and Nebbish Hamwini think they could foist their absurd vampire agenda here. Rumor now has it that the Wicked Witch of Nowhere has a new plan, inspired by the ingenious de-existancing of Schitzel and Hamwini.” 

As usual, the insufferable Prattle brought up some interesting points. An announcement via skywriting today declared that non-attendance to the event was going to be taken badly and that there would be door prizes for the most “tasteful” attire. One might not be overly imaginative to think of this event as having an ulterior motive.